A guide to municipal bankruptcy. Pay attention Oakland.

I shouldn’t be telling you this, but I love Oakland.  Love, love, love it.   And as long as all of you continue to think that Oakland is a plague ridden cesspool of crime, violence and, like, hella bad people n’ stuff, we won’t have to share our fare city with a migratory flock of capitalists, yuppies and hipsters looking for new neighborhoods to take over.  But I can’t but blow the lid off of this little secret.  It’s just that cool of a city.

But as much as I’d like to pretend like we don’t have our problems, we do.  At the top of the list right now – we’re as broke as a sailor after three days ashore in Thailand.  So broke that we may actually have to file for bankruptcy.  Shit.

Naturally our local representatives haven’t actually admitted that bankruptcy is an option yet, but the writing is on the wall.  And even if we are able to avoid the ‘metro-11,’ it’s pretty clear that everyone’s standard of living is going to be effected for at least the next ten years.  Whether that means, not enough cops and social services in your neighborhood, or no more zoo to take your kids too. 

But the Unemploymentality, as dark and lonely as it may be at times, is all about hope.  And there is individual wisdom in the Unemploymentality that could have a much broader application that could help save Oakland in its time of need.  Here are five ways, that if in charge, the unemployed of Oakland would cut costs and balance the city’s budget.  Mayor Dellums – pay attention…

1. Cut services and employees that clearly add little or no value to the city.  At the top of the list should be:
   1. The 2009 Oakland A’s
   2. Bart Police Officers.
   3. Jamarcus Russell
2. Trademark the word, “Hella”: by charging a nickel for every time someone uses the word ‘hella,’ within city limits you could balance the budget.  Also consider trade marking ‘hekka’ to push us into a surplus. 
3. Stop giving out so many parking tickets:  If you stop giving people $63 parking tickets like you did to me today then maybe, just maybe people won’t be so afraid to come out of their houses and spend some money.  It’s reverse psychology.  If it works on my 5 year-old niece, it’ll work on Oakland.
4. Cut police officer salaries not police officers:  We need our police officers, but let’s face it, we can’t pay them over 60k a year.  Instead, why not pay each of them 30k and approve the use of Velcro, tear-away uniforms so that they can make extra cash on the side as stripper-grams or entertainment at bachelorette parties and Bat-mitzvahs.   Problem solved.
5. Beat up San Francisco and take its venture capital money.