Five ways to nail a job interview

In the past few months we at the Unemploymentality have provided you with a wealth of practical job seeking tips to help you survive and thrive in this down economy.  If you’ve followed our advice you’ve already sexed up your resume with a custom header, extended your job search through alternative networks like the casual carpool and chiseled yourself some rock-solid abs to show off at the interview.  But even with these fool-proof ways to get your foot in the door, if you can’t handle yourself like a baller in the interview, then you’ll never seal the deal and earn yourself that paycheck.  So without further ado, here are five interview tips that are a surefire way of impressing the pants- suit right off of any potential employer.

2) Lie: Yup.  I really just said that.  The truth may set you free, but it ain’t gonna get you a six-figure salary and bumper benefits.  Instead, think of your work history as a fluid narrative full of theatrical conveniences and overly dramatic moments that you can adapt to your audience of one, the interviewer.  And don’t forget that YOU are the hero of this fantasy…but try to leave the hobbits and dragons out of the story arc. That may just make the interviewer think you’re full of shit. 

3) Talk about yourself in the third person:  The goal of any job interview is to sell yourself.  But it’s hard to not sound like a self-absorbed celebrity when trying to convey how awesome you are, as if you’re some kind of commodity.  However, It’s not nearly as hard to talk about how awesome someone else is.  Simple solution to this problem – talk about yourself in the third person.  At first it will be a little awkward for both you and the interviewer.  But soon enough, the interviewer will fall for this little Jedi mind trick and will become convinced of how great your third person self is. Here’s how it went down for me recently:

Interviewer:  So John, tell me about how you recently resolved a conflict?

John:  Well, John is very comfortable dealing with conflict.  A couple months ago when John was preparing the year-end financial statements for the African nation of Burundi, the President requested that John fudge some of the Tutsi’s tax statements.  So John was all like, “Whoa!  That is like, totally wrong.” And the President was all, “OK, OK cool it John…I was just joking around.”  And John was like, “OK…well that’s not funny, can we get back to work?”  And the problem was totally solved by John.  So yeah, John resolved that conflict before it even became a problem.  He’s all good like that.

Interviewer:  Interesting.  Wow!  Can’t wait to meet John!  He sounds like the perfect candidate for this customer service job!

** Notice how I incorporated ‘talking in the third person’ with ‘lying’ – combining these tips will knock the socks off of any HR rep.

4) Use big words:  If you’re not very good at either of the above, just try confusing the crap out of the interviewer by using lots and lots of words that haven’t been used since Shakespeare.  Don’t be afraid to make a few words up along the way as well.  Here’s an example:

Interviewer:  Why did you leave your last job, John?

John:  Well, I consider it an emancipation, really.  I was impregnated with a concioustization and realization that the bourgeois tyranny of ramshackle skullduggery would continue infinitely if I did not unfetter myself from such a verscillious debacle of politicization.  You know what I mean, don’t you?

Interviewer:  Actually, no.  But I want to.  You’re hired!

5) Knuckle or Chest Bumps:  Handshakes are fine for the beginning of the interview, but by the end, chances are you’ll need to turn it up a notch.  I suggest either knuckle or chest bumps.  But before you execute either of these, you need to read into what you think your chances are of getting the job.  If by the end of the interview you are absolutely sure you have it in the palm of your hand, and all you have left to do is a salary negotiation, then keep it cool.  When they extend a hand for the shake, you’ll nonchalantly respond with knuckles extended, demanding that they adapt to you.  This subconsciously tells them that you’re in charge. At this point ask for the max salary.  

If however, you think there might still be a doubt in the interviewer’s mind, that doubt will forever be dashed by a solid chest bump.  Don’t believe me?  It’s simple science really.  A chest bump activates the fun receptors in the brain.  If they didn’t think you’d be awesome to work with before the chest bump, their brains will be convincing themselves otherwise after the chest bump.

Conclusion: Apply these 5 simple tips in your next job interview and you’ll be kissing your unemployment checks good bye!  Maybe.  Alright, probably not.