Attention Ladies! A New way to kill your self confidence: Dating Boot Camp at Lord & Taylors

First Laid Off Camp then social networking boot camp, now a free dating boot camp?  According to a recent article on our brother blog, the 405club, Lord & Taylor in NYC is hosting a four-week dating seminar for woman that covers important topics including: the male mind revealed, The look men love, How to get a guy and ‘the date.’  Celebrity dating experts and authors of Why Hasn’t He Called, Matthew Titus and his wife, Tamsen Fadal will host these seminars.  Don’t know who these people are?  That’s probably a good thing, because the smut they peddle is probably best avoided.  But that’s neither here nor there.

Now this would not normally be considered an unemployment related topic, and thus, off limits as fodder for this blog, but given that the event is free, and that unemployed people go ape-shit for free stuff, it becomes fair game.  And although I have a great deal of respect for our people over at the 405 club, I’m gonna have to take this opportunity to hate a little bit.  You see, it’s cool to give away free advice to people and all, but four weeks worth?  And this is sort of what I like to call, ‘captain duh’ information.  Do you really need a ‘man panel’ to tell you what men are thinking?  Really?  REALLY?  And do you really need to schlep yourself across town to learn what ‘look men like?’  Really?  REAAALLLY????

With this in mind, I’d like to provide our female readers living in the greater NYC area the cliff notes to this event so they don’t have to waste their time with Matthew Titus, Tamsen Fadal and Lord & Taylor (your clothes are over priced – by the way).  Below are the week’s seminar topics followed by my ‘insider information’ that will save you the trouble of attending this event:

Week 1: The Male Mind Revealed: “Want to know how men really think? Our “Man Panel” will be on hand to let you know! Get the answers to questions most men will never tell you.”

Unemploymentality Insight: Men think about, sex, sex sports, beer, cereal and sex….and guess what?  If any man is willing to sit on a “man panel” he either thinks it’s a sure-fire way to get laid or he’s gay.  Either way he’s lying through his teeth about ‘what men really think.’

Week 2: The Look Men Love: “Do you have “Whip Appeal?” Are you the girl that men stop dead in their tracks to get a second look at or do they just walk on by? Learn what turns a man’s head and heart.”

Unemploymentality Insight:  First off, I have no idea what ‘whip appeal’ is.  If you really want to get a second look, just show a lot of skin.  Like, a LOT of skin.  Do you really need a seminar to tell you that?  But where’s that gonna get you?  Sure, men will be starring at you, but they’re only thinking about getting in your pants.  Not exactly the fast track to love and happiness.  But hey, if all you’re looking for is a morning walk home in your night clothes while sporting bed head, this and a half-dozen lemon drops will do the trick every time. 

Week 3: How to Get a Guy: “Take Matters of the Heart into your own hands and Make Love Happen! Learn the best ways to flirt, to seduce and to be the woman he can’t resist.”

Unemploymentality Insight: Let’s start with a Merriam-Webster definition of ‘seduction’:

1) To persuade to disobedience or disloyalty

2 ) To lead astray usually by persuasion or false promises

3) To carry out the physical seduction of : entice to sexual intercourse

Ladies – love is not a cub to be bamboozled into your bear trap of seduction and deceit.  Do you really want to start a relationship out this way?  Do yourself a favor, stop letting people like Matthew Titus and Tamsen Fadal make you believe that you need to be wearing a poker face and a cocktail dress to catch the eye of a man. 

Week 4: The Date: “What do men love to hear on a first date that will guarantee a second? And, what topics have them running for the door? And, how do you handle the good night kiss or paying the bill?”

Unemploymentality Insight: This is easy – be yourself.  If they don’t like what they see, then you’re better off without them.  And hey, at least you got a free meal out of it because you SHOULD let him pay…as long as you kiss him (A kiss for a free meal does NOT make you a whore).

There you have it.  Now you don’t have to spend your priceless free time on worthless advice surrounded by boring clothes at Lord & Taylor.  And in all seriousness, whether you’re broke or rolling six figures deep, it’s advice from dating coaches and magazines peddling snake-oil solutions to your relationship woes that have too many woman all messed up in their own heads and thinking that they’re not as beautiful as they really are. 

Maybe if we’re lucky the cost of this recession will be the end of a market for  guys like Matthew Titus.  If that’s the case, I’m prepared to buckle down for the apocalypse.