How to identify unemployed people at an open house

Sometimes it’s difficult to find people with the unemploymentality out and about in public. They’re a reclusive bunch that often tries to hide their true nature while in the presence of the employed. And even with their staggering growth over the past year, they still only account for 1 out of 10 Californians (even less in other states).
But as the chief anthropological correspondent at Unemploymentality.com, it is my job to identify and document the expression of as many traits and characteristics of the unemployementality as possible during the course of this recession. To conduct my research it has become necessary for me to work clandestinely and, in some instances, immerse myself in their culture and customs completely – which has actually been pretty easy because I am also unemployed and broke as hell.

On a recent trip into the field I explored how people with the unemploymentality negotiate free samples and booze at A Taste of Green – an open house promoting a wide variety of socially and environmentally friendly foods and alcohols. The event was sponsored by an online community called Green Home Huddle and it was RSVP only, which means that the broke and downtrodden in attendance would have had to have used advanced tools like “the internet” and “cellular phones” to gain entrance. This allowed me to control for variables like cheapskates, bargain shoppers and old people that can dilute if not destroy my sample population. Therefore I’m confident that the evidence I retrieved can help you identify the unemploymentality at the next open house or tasting that you attend. This report shows you how:

 

When you attend an event like this it’s important to arrive early so you can see the real pros in action.  They know that pickin’s get slim by the end of the evening, so should you. Get there fifteen minutes early and set up somewhere near the tables of free samples.    Although it might be tempting to look for the unemploymentality at the open bar, it’s less likely because the booze is regulated by some sort of gatekeeper – a person that the unemployed patrons of these events like to call “the buzz kill” – because he or she often pours like a pansy, making it hard to drink your weight in free booze.  So in this environment beggars actually can be choosers, and when it comes down to the unregulated acquisition of food, versus the moderated consumption of alcohol, the unemployed will choose dried goods and simply pick up a twelver of Natural Light Ice on their way home.  

Once you’ve positioned yourself near a free sample table, there are three types of behaviors that you have to be on the look out for: the browser-pilferer, the grab-and-stabber and the bulk hulk.  These three are also closely related to specific stages in a person’s unemploymentality.  Allow me to explain:

The browser-pilferer is most often a person who has lost their job within the past month and is still getting used to the idea of living on the cheap.  They’re apprehensive about taking more free samples than everyone else and so they try to avoid drawing attention to themselves by pretending to browse the free samples.  Instead of grabbing more than one sample at a time, they’ll make laps around the room, returning each time to grab another free sample.  By the end of the night they may make up to twenty laps around the room and acquired as many free samples.  

Much like the browser-pilferer, the Grab-and-Stabbers will make laps around the room, but they’ve been unemployed a little too long to be so polite.  Instead, when Grab-and-Stabbers make it back to the free samples, they look around (to make sure no one is paying close attention) and then grab a handful of free samples and quickly stab them into a coat pocket and continue on to another lap.  Grab-and-Stabbers can make as many laps around the room as the browser-pilferers but will walk out at the end of the evening with as much as ten times more loot.  With my camera set at high shutter speed I was able to catch one grab-and-stabber in action:

War torn and battle proven, the Bulk Hulk is a layoff veteran that literally perform a full frontal assault on the free sample table.  They don’t bother with laps at all.  Bulk hulks simply walk in the door, make a b-line towards the free stuff where they pull out a damn tote bag and begin loading up until there is nothing left.  Too many Bulk Hulks at an open house can spell disaster for the browser-pilferer and the Grab-and-stabber.   Bulk Hulks are also difficult to catch in action because they often move so quickly and can be in and out the door in a matter of minutes.  Fortunately for me I noticed a staff member refilling some of the items on the sample table so I was able to position myself for the next wave of bulk hulks:

Although this list is a good guide for identifying the most common forms of the unemploymentality at an open house, it is by no means complete.  In fact during this particular study I found the courage to approach two people who I assumed to be bulk hulks, only to learn that they belonged to an entirely new species of broke and downtrodden – they referred to it as a “studentmentality.”  

Listen to their story here: (play audio)

Jen and Louisa have a food blog – Good Food for Dinosaurs. Thanks for being such good sports and see you at the next open house.  I’ll bring my tote bag.