Creepy things that unemployed people should avoid doing

One of the things unemployed people often do a little too much is reminisce.  I found this out the hard way.  Here’s my story:

After a long morning of online battleship and searching the job boards I was getting a little tired so I headed out to get a bag of Smarties. Yeah, nothing says “livin’ large” like a good sugar rush in the middle of the afternoon.  And it was a nice day so I figured I’d take my two-pound bag of Smarties over to the park and enjoy the weather while I waited for my sugar rush to really take hold.  It was at the park that I happened upon a playground filled with children playing in the most delightful way.  They didn’t seem to have a care in the world.  They just ran and screamed and jumped and laughed and snotted all over themselves as if millions of Americans haven’t been losing their jobs.  I was suddenly overcome with nostalgia.  I remembered the days when I was also carefree.  When the worst thing that could possibly happen to me would be a cheap shot to the jewels levied by some girl in pigtails somewhere between the monkey bars and the twirly slide (true story).  Nowadays I can’t stop worrying.  If it’s not health insurance, it’s debt.  If it’s not debt, it’s rent or finding a job and on and on. 

This brief trip back to a place in my mind where everything was simple and easy may have been the best time I’ve had since being laid off. I must have stood there five minutes before I snapped out of it and realized that most of the children were being ushered away from the playground and strapped back into their bugaboos.  It was then that I noticed the worried, almost angry looks that a few of the moms were making in my direction.  I looked over my shoulder to see if it was something or someone behind me that had scared them off, and then I realized, it was me. 

That’s right. Learn from my mistakes, unemployed people.  Sure, going to the park with a bag full of candy and watching kids play may seem innocent enough – a sort of cheap form of therapy perhaps – but to everyone else you just look like a pedophile. 

Here’s a list of other creepy things you should avoid doing while you’re unemployed:

1. Talking about daytime TV hosts like they’re real friends of yours:  “and then Whoopi said I should kick her to the curb.  But then Ellen says to me, I should work it out…so I was all, Whoopi…Ellen… how am I supposed to make up my mind if we all can’t agree?”
2. Exploring Scientology as a viable path towards enlightenment.  Seriously.  If you need me to point this one out for you, it’s already too late.
3. Wearing The Snuggie in public.  Sure it was the best Christmas present you’ve ever received, and it has quickly become the uniform of choice for the unemployed, but that doesn’t mean it’s appropriate attire for the grocery store or the bar.  It just creates too many questions about what’s going on under the Snuggie.  
4. And above all else, do NOT go to the playground wearing the Snuggie and try to talk to kids about Scientology. 

If you are aware of any other creepy behaviors we at the Unemploymentality should try to avoid, please let us know in the comments section.