The Baller’s Guide to Recession Dating

These are trying times for the broke and downtrodden. Sure, finding a new job and paying your bills is stressing you out, but that doesn’t mean you’ve forgotten about meeting the girl of your dreams, has it? Of course not! You’ve got more time than ever to try to explain why you don’t need to talk about your feelings all day. But gone are the days of spending $100 up in the club on top-shelf booze and lemon drops for ladies that are way out your league. No, it’s time to step down your game and get creative. Time to try new things and focus on new, more affordable places. Here are a few tips and tricks for being a baller during the recession:

1. Yoga Studios: Go down to Good Will and buy a used yoga mat and then craft a shoulder bag out of an old Hawaiian shirt and a shoelace. Don’t worry, I’m not going to suggest you actually DO yoga. That would be absurd. Instead, head down to the coffee shop in your neighborhood that is adjacent to a yoga studio. Make sure to keep your yoga mat out in plain view. Every hour on the hour a yoga class will let out and a gaggle of women with yoga mats flung over their shoulders will come parading right by you en route to their double non-fat lattes. Just hop in line with them and say something like, “Oh!  What yoga class did you just come from?” Don’t worry about the whole  not actually doing yoga thing. Just remember, if they say it was a Hatha class, YOU do Bikram. If they do Bikram, YOU do Ashtanga. If they respond by saying they used to do Ashtanga too, retreat, regroup and try again in an hour. You could do this all day.

2. Dog Walking: This one is a no-brainer. Volunteer to walk your friend’s dog (aka: chick magnet) and simply cruise high-traffic zones all afternoon. Use ‘doggy voices’ when in proximity of the ladies. Say things like, “What’s the matter, Pickle? Do you want the nice lady to pet you?” Case closed. Or double-down by taking your mat AND your friend’s dog down to the coffee shop adjacent to the yoga studio.

No friends with a dog? Try finding a picture of a really cute dog online and photoshop yourself some ‘lost dog’ fliers. Make sure to include your number and then hit the sidewalk passing them out to every girl that walks by. Don’t be forget to throw in a friendly, “Please call if you see my Pickle, but you know, you could just call to say hi if you wanted. Thanks for your concern.”

3. The ‘World Wide Web’: Gone are the days when the internet dating scene was reserved for pedophiles and the 13 year-old boys who adore them. No, nowadays, there’s a chat room or dating service for every color in the rainbow. And a little secret between you and me – you can be anything you want to be online. In the real world I’m John, an unemployed guy living off of government checks and frozen pizzas. Online I’m Derrick, a genetically-modified CIA operative who can see through walls and fly. I’m currently dating this girl, Hellkitten183, the heiress to a multi-billion dollar drug cartel in Venezuela. She was going to fly me down to her compound in Caracas for a face-to-face but she thought it would be safer if we just met in Grand Rapids, Michigan and that I cover my own bus fare so the payment couldn’t be traced. He shoots…he scores!

"How's your heart rate?"

4. Jogging: If you’re not in shape you may have to train for this one but the strategy is simple – they’re already jogging, so they can’t run away. It doesn’t mean you’ve got all the time in the world, but it does buy you at least another thirty seconds to prove you’re a baller. Just jog up next to a girl and start talking about your heart rate and comment on her lovely stride. Conversation started. Now all you’ve got to do is keep up with her until you’re both ‘stretchin’ it out’ at the playground. Close the deal by asking, “Say, you wanna go get a smoothie or a wheat grass shot?” …Oh, but you’re in your spandex and don’t have any money…I guess it’s her treat!

Make sure name badge says, 'single.'

5. Job Fairs: Talk about leveling the playing field. At a job fair you’re standing in a hotel conference room surrounded by 1,000 unemployed girls that are in the exact same situation you are. I don’t even need to tell you how to get that conversation started. The cynic would tell you that in this environment these women are the competition. That they’re ready to swoop in and steal your dream job. Quick reality check cynic, you’re not going to find your dream job at a job fair. You’re going to find a job that pays your bills at a job fair. So be polite to the ladies in the room, ask questions about what type of job they’re looking for and offer to take a copy of their resume just in case you hear of something that would be good for their skill set. Four hours later you’re walking out the door with a couple of dozen resumes complete with contact details and personal interests. Ever have that type of return on investment for your $100 of lemon drop shots at the club? Who’s the Baller now?

• This list is admittedly macho-centric and I truly apologize. Unfortunately I can only write from a male point of view. If there were any women out there that would like to offer a female perspective we at the Unemploymentality would welcome it with open arms and empty pockets.