Space Wolf and John review 12 affordable beers from Trader Joe’s

The other day I went to my neighborhood Trader Joe’s to pick up some groceries when I decided that it was time to treat myself to a six-pack of beer.  But even a treat needs to be managed conservatively these days so I was careful to check out all the prices.  I was pleasantly surprised at just how many affordable options Trader Joe’s has to offer.  I counted twelve six-packs for $6 or less.  Even better, one of the staffers told me that I didn’t even have to buy an entire six-pack, buying individual bottles was fine.  Good God! I was as excited as a little schoolgirl in new jelly shoes. 

 But before I let myself get carried away, I realized that there is a catch:  A lot of cheap beer tastes like absolute and utter ass.  And being a blogger, one of the select few, brave enough to assume the responsibility of subjectively and carelessly providing information to the world, I decided that it was my duty to sample each and every one of these beers so that you, The Reader, would not have to suffer the indignity of assy beer suffocating your taste buds.   

Once I made it home with my 12 beers I realized that it would be careless of me not to get a second opinion.  Not to worry, I

 know lots of unemployed people that like to drink as much as I do.  One friend in particular is somewhat of a micro- and home-brew aficionado.  So I called Space Wolf (not his real name, but very close) and before the word “beer” left my lips he was at my door. 

Some background on how Space Wolf and I rated these beers:

People drink beer for one of two reasons, to enjoy the taste of a finely crafted pilsner, ale, lager or stout, or to getting absolutely hammered.  Thus we developed a two-prong approach to rating each beer:

1) The Sipping Scale:  If you’re interested in a great tasting and affordable beer for tipping back after a long day of online battle ship, this is the rating for you.  It’s measured on a scale of 5 food stamps – one food stamp is bad, five is good.  

2)    The Power Drinking Index:  If you’re out to pack in as many beers as you possibly can over the course of an evening, then the Power Drinking Index is the only thing you should be concerned with.  It’s based on how many of each beers Space Wolf and I believed we could put away.

 

Here we go:

1) Simpler Times Lager:  This sweet-smelling lager reminded Space Wolf of a watered down version of the Czech pilsner, Urquell or Genesee Ale.  It had a non-offensive, but cheap taste, so we both felt that this beer would be better for long nights around a campfire rather than as a dinner beer – especially with the $4.99 price tag.  The cheapest of all of these beers.

 

Space Wolf: 3            John: 3 

Space Wolf: 15         John: 16

 

2) Black Hart Irish Style Dry Stout:  It had a smell that reminded us of both of the garden center at K-mart and this translated to it’s smooth yet earthy taste.  It also had a very subtle aftertaste.  So although it’s a stout, it really wouldn’t overpower a lot of other flavors at dinner.  Space Wolf also said it kind of tasted like old, dry snow.  I think he was already getting drunk.

 

Space Wolf: 3.5        John: 4 

 

Space Wolf: 4         John: 4

 

3) Black Toad Dark Ale:  A sweet, pleasant, earthy smell gives way to an overly malty beer, making it feel like the ingredients were a little out of sync with each other.  At least that’s what Space Wolf said. I though it was a pretty good winter beer that would go well with hearty winter vegetables like squash.  But one thing we both agreed on was that this is not a beer for power drinking.  Save this one for nights in with the family. 

 

Space Wolf: 2        John: 3.5 

 

Space Wolf: 3         John: 4

 

4) Phuket Lager: This is one of those beers that could almost pass as water if it wasn’t for that skunky, Heineken taste and smell.  But you know what?  In the right place and time this is actually a good beer.  Like if you won a  Carnival Cruise down to Cabo we could definitely see you tipping back a number of these mild and malty summertime brews.  Keep this one on your list of beers to try in July or August. 

 

Space Wolf: 4        John: 3 

 

Space Wolf: 14         John: 28 – my mild buzz boosting confidence.

 

5) Rialto Premium Lager:  This El Salvadoran beer is quite a catch.  It’s not too sweet or too light and has a crisp, clean taste that is absolutely perfect for clambakes and barbeques.  At the same time, if lighter, Corona-like beers are your thing, then I could also see you kicking back with this one in the evenings as well. 

 

Space Wolf: 3        John: 3 

 

Space Wolf: 20    John: 20 

 

6) Henniger Premium:  Remember what I said about some cheap beers tasting like ass?  Well look no further, here’s our first truly assy-tasting beer.  But you wouldn’t know it until you it’s too late because it has a pretty standard lager scent. But as soon as you tip this one back, watch out!  Space Wolf thought it sucked because the ingredients were not in harmony with each other.  After further inspection I had a change of heart because I spent a lot of time at the trailer park pounding warm, skunky beer ‘back in the day’ so it had a somewhat redeeming, nostalgia-like quality.  Or maybe it was Mariah Carey’s Dream Lover that was softly playing in the background that was preventing me from having harsher words at the time.

 

Space Wolf: 1        John: 2 

 

Space Wolf: 5    John: 10 (but only in a trailer park) 

 

7) Fat Weasel Ale:  It was a real pleasure to go from that last sub-standard beer to finding this little gem from Paso Robles, California.  What stood out most was its fragrance.  It had a really nice mix of hops, malt and fruitiness.  This was matched with just a slight, bitter aftertaste.

 

 Space Wolf: 5       John: 4.5 

 

Space Wolf: 6    John: 6

 

8) Trader Joe’s Hafbrau Bock: Another malty lager with a very distinguishable smokey flavor that was a true pleasure to swill.  It also had a very nice, almost sweet aftertaste that just begged you to take another sip.  I believe this is the best beer ounce-for-ounce of all of them.  Space Wolf slightly preferred the Fat Weasel Ale over the Hafbrau Bock because he said that sweet beers make his teeth hurt after a while.  So based on Space Wolf’s achy teeth and how delicious I felt this beer was, it doesn’t fare as well on the Power Drinking Index as it does on the Sipping Scale. But I could see you knocking down quite a few of these if you had to. 

 

 Space Wolf: 4.5       John: 5 

 

Space Wolf: 5    John: 7

 

9) Trader Joe’s Bavarian Style Hefeweizen:  The first thing we realized with this beer is that we forgot the lemon.  But no one can afford fruit in a recession, so the point is moot.  So moving right along, TJ’s Hefeweizen had a surprisingly full-bodied taste for a wheat beer with a light aftertaste and a hint of fennel.  Space Wolf said it was delicious, and I would have agreed with him had I not been so drunk by then that I was way more interested in being confrontational than I was in being honest.   

 

 Space Wolf: 4        John: 4 

 

Space Wolf: 12    John: 10

 

10) Mission St. Blonde Ale:  Space Wolf said that this beer had the smell of Willamette hops – a hybrid of the Fuggles hops that were released by the USDA in 1976.  I told him that he was full of shit and should shut up, but he swore that he’s used them before and that I should calm down and stop over-reacting about every little thing that he said.  So I told him he should see his highfalutin taste buds to the door, but he was like, “No!  Make me!” and I was all, “You better get goin’ or I’m gonna snap into you like a SlimJim!” And then I lost my train of thought, so I figured we should just keep drinking.  Where was I? 

Right. Space Wolf felt the beer was disappointing.  That it smelled like a micro beer but didn’t follow through with microbrew taste.  I thought it was a light, drinkable, and non-offensive beer that could get you through some tough times in a pinch.  So we both agreed we could drink a lot of it if we had to.

 

Space Wolf: 3        John: 3.5

 

Space Wolf: 15     John: 15

 

11) Trader Joe’s Winterfest Double Bock Lager:  Up until this point I had been pleasantly surprised by the quality of Trader Joe’s own line of beers.  That sentiment stops abruptly with this beer.  And I’m not surprised.  Many a time have I been duped into trying a Winterfest only to be insulted by seasonal ingredients like nutmeg and cinnamon, two ingredients that serve no godly purpose in a beer. But this beer takes my shock and disgust to a whole new level.  It had the scent of Robitussin cough syrup and wood stove.  Even worse, it actually tasted like cough medicine.  Maybe when the Winterfest brew season rolled around Trader Joe’s had some layoffs and needed to replace their Brew Master with a monkey.  That’s the only reason I can come up with.  Worst beer of all twelve, hands down. 

 

Space Wolf: 1       John: 1

 

Space Wolf: 2 (if gun put to head)    John: 2 (If I was as drunk as I am now, I could muscle two down)

 

12) Stockyard Oatmeal Stout:  We’d finally reached the last beer and I couldn’t even see straight anymore. It may be wise to evaluate this one on your own.  Nevertheless, here it goes:  Space Wolf said it had a chocolate, earthy smell but I told him he needed to shut the hell up because he was wrong and it smelled like angels.  After a lengthy and somewhat violent argument I conceded that it smelled like earthy, chocolate angels.  Taste wise, it was a deliciously creamy stout in the Irish tradition with a chocolate, roasted oats and coffee-derived flavor that probably came from the specialty malts used in the brewing process….OK, I just plagiarized the beer bottle there.  Truth is I passed out and hit the floor before I could taste this one.  My bad.

 

 Space Wolf: 4.5       John: 4

 

Space Wolf: 4        John: 3

 

Final Results:

Best Beers by Sipping Scale:  Fat Weasel Ale & Trader Joe’s Hofbrau Bock

Best Beers based on Power Drinking Index: Phuket Lager & Rialto Premium Lager.

Enjoy!