“I’ve been laid off” – Five responses and your rebuttal

After being laid off, one of the most difficult tasks to manage is how to tell friends and family the bad news.  I lied through my teeth about my employment all the way through the holidays just so I wouldn’t have to deal with my relatives feeling bad for me and trying to look the part.  Of course that got a little ugly at Christmas dinner when Mom said a prayer thanking baby Jesus for keeping everyone employed.  Yeah, thanks a lot baby Jesus.  

But Wayne Johnson has got the layoff conversation down to a science, and in this next post, he’s outlined  for us five typical responses to the layoff news with his pre-formatted rebuttals for said situation.  I would tell you more about Mr. Johnson, but when asked if he wanted to give us more details about himself or his situation he responded, “Just throw the piece out there as the embittered ravings of a newly unemployed who knows he will regret doing this when a prospective employer googles him later. But right now, I’m not worried about it.”  Your ravings will be celebrated in the annals of unemployment history for generations to come Wayne.   Let you’re future regret be short and painless:

After one month of unemployment, I’m only starting to sense the implications of this situation. Very complicated.

I still see people who haven’t heard my news yet. Not that I’m anxious to tell them, but the question “How’s work?” can come up in almost any casual conversation. So I keep it simple: “Laid off.” Half-smile. Slight shrug.  Maybe an open palms gesture. The message: It happens. Let’s move on.

Actually I’ve scaled back the body language lately. The half-smile now is barely more than a twitchy upper lip. The shrug might trend downward, rather than up. Open palms, not so much. The message: It happens. It sucks.

Then I steel myself for the response. Because I’m still the new shavetail in the outfit, I haven’t developed a tough combat hide to deflect insults from job-having sons-of-bitches. Almost anything they can say, other than “I’m out of work too” is going to piss me off. I don’t apologize for this. It’s a rookie thing.

So, to speed up the process, I’ve identified the five most common responses to the statement, “I got laid off,” and ways to deal with them:

1) What did you do, Ray?

• Typical Response: What happened? Wasn’t there anything you could do to prevent it? Who did they keep? Was the first step to get rid of the deadwood?
• What’s Implied: These people are blaming you for your fate. (Didn’t you read The Secret?) Even if you played some minor role in your own demise, what business is this of Ms. Judgemental? The fact that your former employer continues to operate without you makes its own statement about your incalculable value.
• My Rebbutal: “The company is doing much better now that their expenses have been reduced, so that’s good.

2) You’re not the only one, ya know.

• Typical Response: My brother-in-law’s cousin got laid off too, so let’s talk about him. I was unemployed once. I’ve heard of unemployment. 
• What’s Implied: Your pain is making me uncomfortable, darn you. So, it would be best for all concerned if we just shift the focus away from your petty me-first attitude and get on with our lives. 
• My Rebuttal: “I’m thinking that a lot of employed people will need to die to make room for those of us who need those jobs.”

3) Category: Don’t worry. Be happy!

• Typical Response: You’ll find something. Someday. Now you’ll have time to get to all those projects around the house that you’re going to lose. Things are never as bad as they seem. I know it’s tough, but.
• What’s Implied: These people know exactly what they would do in your situation: start a business like that lady on the news! Getting laid off will turn out to be best thing that ever happened to them. Why don’t you just, you know, be successful? 
• My Rebbutal: “My therapist says I should stop mentioning suicide during job interviews, but I think it’s important to be honest. Don’t you?”

4) A job is a job

• Typical Response: I hear they are looking for door-to-door salespeople, blood sellers, nuclear physicists, and applicants for a hundred other “jobs” you wouldn’t or couldn’t do. Would you take one of them? Something is better than nothing. 
• What’s Implied: These people will say anything that comes into their head. They’re just filling air until they can get away from you. No job? Why, there’s jobs that need doin’ all over the place if a feller can swallow his pride. Or learn to be an engineer really fast. Whatever.
• My Rebbutal: “I’ve been offering personal services (air quotes) at the bus station for extra cash, but those darn runaways keep driving the price down.”

5) It can’t happen here.

• Typical Response: I was smart enough to pick a career that is immune to total economic collapse. That would have been a good thing for you to do. 
• What’s Implied: This is the most cold-blooded  comment of all. Are these people simply warding off the evil spirits with self-directed happy talk, or do they want you to suffer even more keenly? Both, usually. But, hey, capitalism needs losers to make it work. Thanks for taking one for the team. Stupid.
• Best response: “I’m taking a six-week class at the community college so I can do your job at half your pay. Any tips you can give me?”

 Experienced any other type of response and or rebuttals, please share them with us in the comments!