Get the new job you always wanted with these 2009 resolutions!

The first day of the New Year is all about hope, especially this year. Hope that this will be the year I get those 22’s for my Mazda Protégé, hope that this will be the only year the Michigan Wolverines will not make it to a bowl game, hope for a new political direction and hope that a new job is on the horizon. This first day of the New Year is also a day to reflect on personal woes from the previous year and to jot down a list of changes that will make you a better person for the year to come. It is in this spirit that I submit the following resolutions that, if applied correctly, are a foolproof plan for gainful employment in 2009:

Stop drinking so much: This one is a no-brainer. As much as you may think that drinking away your severance will advance your career, it will not. Sorry. You’ll just end up smelling like the uncle that no one talks about and induces fits of rage in cousin Patty whenever he appears at family barbeques. And by the way, Captain Morgan, Johnny Walker and Jack Daniels are not acceptable references.

Get an iPhone: I don’t know what it’s like in other cities, but in San Francisco you’re a nobody if you don’t have an iPhone and are not well versed in the language of tech-dork. So even if you don’t need an iPhone (which is everyone on the face of the planet), your chances of landing that coveted job increase exponentially if you can whip it out during the chitchat phase of the interview and say, “Oh, I just installed this new widget that I think you would really like! It lets me know if and when a bear shits in the woods.”

Shave the unemployed beard (or legs, for the ladies): I wore the unemployed beard for a short while as a badge of courage. It helped me convince myself that I was part of a secret club: The few, the proud, the unemployed. And that beard grew to define me. But now it seems like everyone is unemployed so it’s not so cool anymore. So I think it’s time we all get out the razor and get ready for the job-search trenches.

Rock-hard abs: Everyone ‘in the know’ knows that rock-hard abs are the key to any successful job interview. So start the year off right by blasting away at your tummy with mad reps. When you get to that interview your confidence will soar because you’ve got a better slab than the next guy.

*A word to the wise: Don’t just walk into the interview and lift up your shirt. Oh no, you save the abs until they ask you that question you can’t answer. Sort of like this:

 

Interviewer: “So John, you mention on your resumé that you acted as a liaison between your department and marketing to build stronger problem-solving capacity. Tell me more about that.”

John: “ Ah…well, speaking of stronger capacity. Did I show you these abs? Ba-Tang!” 

Next thing you know, you’re negotiating salary and bennies.

Stop loathing the employed: Sometimes your facial expressions will deceive your words – your mouth is saying “It’s a pleasure to meet you,” while your face is saying, “Fuck you!  You’re just a spreadsheet crunchin’, power point pushin’ servant to the man.   I’m like the galaxy – luminescent, bitch!” Besides, there are a lot of good people that still have their jobs, and they may be just the contact you need to get a foot in the door in 2009. So be nice to the waitress or the mailman. It’s not their fault that they earn a paycheck. And with any luck you’ll become employed too. So why not practice not hating yourself before it’s too late.

I think that should do it. But if you know of any additional resolutions that are a great way to improve your chances in the job market in 2009, please do bring them to our attention!  Happy New Year.