Forget the job boards: Unemploymentality explores 5 “Get Rich Quick” schemes

Until now, you probably adopted the slow and steady path to wealth. You worked 9-to-5 (or if you worked in media, 9-to-7, -8 or -9). You resigned yourself to the fact that the majority of your life would be spent either working or sleeping. You proudly invested in a portfolio of blue chip stocks that are, as of now, virtually worthless. You were the average, silently miserable workingman (or woman), and now you are screwed.

I’d like to think earning an honest wage is still the way forward. But as layoffs are announced daily, and job postings dwindle, it may be time to entertain other, more high-risk options. If, for no other reason, than to pass the time. Luckily, there’s a plethora of inspiration in recent news. Here is Unemploymentality’s list of the top five, most timely “Get Rich Quick” schemes*.

1) Become a pirate:
There was a time, not long ago, when the word “piracy” was immediately linked with intellectual property theft. Now days, we’re back to talking about actual maritime pirates. And hey, it seems there is potential for success. It worked out well for Somali pirates who hijacked the Vela – or at least it could have. After collecting their $3 million ransom, they were allegedly “singing in colorful tone and exchanging some ridiculous words” when their skiff tipped over and they lost all but $150,000 of their loot. And four of the nine pirates drowned. It’s like something out of a Shakespearean tragicomedy! The moral of the story? Once you have collected your ransom, tread carefully back to shore. Save your “colorful” sing-alongs for dry land. And make sure you are a damn good swimmer.

2) Start a pyramid scheme:
When I got laid off, I joked about starting one. Along with “finishing that novel”, “orchestrating a ponzy scheme” had a certain ring to it. Then one became headline news, with Bernard Madoff making off (too easy, I know) with $50 million dollars. And if it weren’t for being ratted out by his own sons, Madoff may have carried on undetected until of course, the scheme inevitably collapsed. Not sure what the moral of this story is. Let your own offspring in at the top? Get out while you’re ahead? Or maybe just that pirates are still a lot funnier than pyramid schemes. Which is why this one comes in at number two.

3) Try your hand at online porn:
Sure, industry moguls like Larry Flynt and his Girls Gone Wild buddy Joe Francis are seeking a $5 billion preemptive bailout from Congress. One that, of course, no one is taking seriously. Pornography is still a highly profitable business. DVD sales may be down, but online porn is booming. Apparently, amateur porn stars rake in major cash on the internet. And user generated porn sites that combine social networking elements, like Xtube, are proving themselves a lucrative model. This leaves you with two choices, should you decide to go the smut route: you can star in movies, or you can launch a competitive UGC site. Naturally, your path will depend on your skill set.

4) Rob a bank:
It seems our floundering economy is bringing out the Bonnie and Clyde in some disenfranchised Americans. In 2008, bank heists there were up by 22 percent in Southern California. And in New York City, they were allegedly up by as much as 54 percent! Authorities say many of the crimes were committed by people who did not have a prior criminal record. Unemploymentality gone mental. One jobless real estate mortgage adjuster, for example, robbed a dozen banks before being caught. The rise is in stark contrast to the steady decline of bank robberies in recent years. Robbers are becoming more brazen, and are sporting cute names like the “Big Banana” or the “WWF Shotgun Bandits”. But with the chance of being caught as high at around 60 percent, this route to fast cash is not for the faint of heart. Or for anyone with a conscience.

5) Gamble; Or Facilitate Gambling:
More and more people are seeking help for gambling addiction. To what do we attribute this statistic? Why, our struggling economy of course! And with more people trying to combat their compulsion, and Americans’ shrinking disposable income, casinos are seeing less and less business. Sales of state lottery tickets, on the other hand, are way up. Experts warn, however, that routine spending on lottery tickets can add up (duh). And chances of winning are slim to none. I tried my luck at this recently. I won another lottery ticket. Worst. Prize. Ever. Of course, another option is to start an online gambling website. These are apparently a gold mine. They are also illegal. But then, few things on this list aren’t.

So, after careful consideration, get rich quick schemes are a terrible idea! They’ re risky, immoral and potentially destroy lives. But they are fun to think about. Back to the anorexic job boards.

*The folks at Unemploymentality make no claims as to the efficacy, morality or legality of this list. We, ourselves, are still pursuing slower, more traditional forms of wealth generation.