Holiday sales give the unemployed cold sweats

Adopting the unemploymentality is a bit like quitting smoking.  Sure it’s tough at times to not have that vice, but it’s not like trying to quit heroin.  But even though it’s a manageable adaptation, that doesn’t mean there aren’t withdrawal symptoms or times that you are likely to fall off of the wagon.  Yes, buying shit is not an easy habit to break.  How could it be?  Especially when you watch twice as much TV now that you’re unemployed.  That’s twice as much advertising trying to convince you that penis enlargement pills are just what you need to get that new job.   Multiply this double dose of advertising with an overdose of holiday recession sales and you’ve got a recipe for disaster! 

That’s right, how the hell is the formally employed supposed to pass up on 75% off sales at major retail stores?  Are you kidding me?  I’ve got $75,000 worth of credit just waiting to be put to good use.  And now I can get a $3,500 dollar sofa/love seat combo at JC Penney for $1,000.  And I’m supposed to just pass that shit up because I don’t have a job?  Not likely.  Sure it’s probably not the most prudent of moves, but look on the bright side – by extending myself beyond my means and buying that sofa/love seat, I’m doing my part to stimulate the hell out of the economy.  Perhaps that sofa/love seat will be just the straw to break the back of this recession we’re in.  Some may call me financially irresponsible, I say I’m doing my civic duty.

…Wait, talk me down.  Tell me that it will be alright.  Tell me that I don’t need that sofa/love seat combo, that it’s not my responsibility to use my massive credit line to single-handedly return the U.S. dollar to its rightful place atop the foreign exchange. 

Shut up.  I’m buying the fucking sofa, I don’t care what you say, it’s 75% off, you would be a fool not to take that deal.  It’s not like I live in Sri Lanka, the U.S. economy WILL bounce back.  I may as well go and buy a friggin’ iPhone while I’m at it.  I’ve been good for a month and a half.  I haven’t eaten out, I’ve cut cable, I’ve turned down my heat and canceled Netflix.  I DESERVE the damn sofa/love seat combo!  Get the fuck out of my way before I cut your jugular with my Visa!

Holy shit.  That was a close one.  I’m Ok.  I’m back.  I love you.  I don’t need the sofa/love seat combo.  It was a moment of weakness.  Thanks for being strong for me.   But if these post holiday deals get any better I may end up buying that iPhone. 

…maybe the unemploymentality is a bit more like kicking heroin than I thought.  Pass me a cigarette.