Don’t be “that guy” after a layoff

It’s just like getting dumped – there’s the mature, dignified response, and there’s the pathetic, totally inappropriate one that will make your ex breathe a sigh of relief for getting out when they did. Good thing our friend Allison knows the difference. She shares her wisdom with us below.

People not to be when you’re unemployed, by Allison Davis

So you got laid off. You didn’t see this coming, nor did you anticipate the complete personality change that you are about to endure. You may experience low self-worth since you feel as though you’re not contributing to society. You might suffer from an identity crisis because your sense of being was so tied to your job. You might feel the sting of rejection, and the ensuing bitterness that follows any bad break-up. All of this is normal, but none of this means that you have to be an asshole. Much like the end of any relationship, it is easy to find yourself morphing into a whiny, self-centered emotional mess who no one wants to go drinking with. This is not the unemploymentality. Fortunately, I’ve compiled a handy guide of who NOT to be, so you can hang on to a small shred of dignity.

1. Bitter but secretly wants to get back together guy: When hanging out with others who got laid off from the same company, and/or those who still work at your company but feel pretty bad for you (hopefully bad enough to buy you a drink) you are allowed exactly 20 minutes to bitch about how fucked up your old company was, how you never trusted upper management anyway, and/or inquire about company gossip. Any more time than that and it’s clear that you really wish you worked there again and you should probably be working this out in your journal, not at the bar. You broke up, guy. Move on.

2. So elated that you don’t work there it’s clear you secretly want to get back together guy: In fear of being the first guy, this guy completely overcompensates for his feelings of rejection. He feels great! There’s so much free time to go to museums during the day and work on that novel! Work is just a tool by the man to keep us down! Seriously, never been awesomer! Relax, guy. You got dumped. Allow yourself to feel. Yes, there are many advantages to being unemployed, but it ain’t all pigs in shit and you are not any better than when you were a worker bee like everyone else (ps-you thought everything was awesome then, too.) Shut it.

3. Cheapskate Guy: Without the security of a regular, predictable direct deposit, it may, momentarily, seem as if the world is ending. Sure, you may have to cut back on the Tuesday mani/pedis and hold the onion rings, but it’s gonna be okay. You can get a beer. In the first couple of weeks, you may get some pity drinks bought for you by the still employed. (This is great). But don’t get used to it, or hang back all weird when you get to the bar, because that’s annoying and everyone knows what you’re doing. Just get a beer now, and don’t go out for the next two days if you have to. No one likes cheapskate guy, so if you really feel like you don’t have the money, don’t go out. You know who everyone DOES like? I know where all the drink specials are in the city guy (see sidebar). Because EVERYBODY likes to save money, this guy actually is pretty good to have around.

4. Existential crisis guy: Getting laid off pretty much forces anybody who ever felt as though they were on the right track to wealth and fulfillment to wonder just what the hell they are doing, and if they shouldn’t be pursuing a degree in zoology instead. Coupled with all the time and coffee shops in the world to ponder this, it may take over your psyche. But guess what? Like that crazy dream you had last night, no one really cares, because it’s all just pontificating freshman year philosophy BS that will go out the window in a couple of months anyway when you get another job (which you will). What do you do with your life? Stop thinking about it and go live it. Take up the French Horn. Start jogging. See if any old people need groceries. At the very least, this stuff will make for interesting party conversation, and people will admire your thirst for the new. Do NOT ask your friends to take a look at your grad school pro and con list. Please.

5. Gotta work on my resume guy: Yes, you do, and no one is discouraging this. But honestly, chill for a second. No one is hiring right now. It’s the holiday season, and duh, everyone is laying off folks like it’s the hot new shit in Paris. Turns out the antidote to getting laid-off is getting laid, but you have to get out of your house to do that. Getting laid will bump up your self-esteem so much more than trying to find more action words besides “created” “executed” “maintained” and “revamped” to describe how you color-coordinated the filing system at your old job. Work on find a job stuff when everyone else is at work, not when everyone else is at the Rock Band tournament and in need of a drummer because you’re on Craigslist refresher duty.

This list is a great start, but in no way covers all of the shitty people it’s possible to be when you get laid off. If you’re talking and the person you’re talking to is not listening to you (eyes glazed over, looking past you, sucking down drink) you’re being that guy. If you’re bringing up something you wrote in your journal this morning, you’re being that guy. If someone says to you, “dude, don’t be that guy” you’re totally being that guy, and that guy sucks. Good luck.